Wednesday, April 18, 2012

God Help Me!

Well I told my therapist that I would write about this subject.  And it's a touchy subject in my book.  This month I have run into the man that raped me back when my sister lived next door to me.  I don't think he remembers me, because he's showed no recognition upon my part, but I sure as hell remember him.

Back in the day, about 2005 or 2006, I met this guy at Dingers who was the cook there at the time.  He seemed interesting at the time and he asked my sister and me to go back to his house to drink and play cards.  Kristen asked him if her friend, Aaron could come along and he said yes.

So we got into his mini van and went to Morrisdale.  He shouldn't have even been driving and we shouldn't have been in the van with him.  He ran a red light, drove up on the embankment at one point and was all over the road.

When we arrived at his house, we came to find out that he lived in the basement of his parents house.  So we had to keep it down.  We played cards and drank.  I didn't drink because I hate beer.  But everyone else drank and played cards.

It came time for everyone to leave and he asked me if I would come back.  Stupidly, I said I would follow him back in my car.  I knew he wanted to have sex and I told him I would, just as long as he used condoms.  So on our way back to his place, we stopped at Wal-Mart and he bought a box of condoms.

When we got back to his place.  Everything felt okay, then he suddenly got rough with me.  He fingered me roughly and cut me up with his nails.  Then he wasn't going to use a condom and I cried and told him to use one.  He hurt me so bad.  He pounded the hell out of me and there was blood all over the sheets of his bed.  I kept crying for him to stop, but he kept right on raping me.

Now I know some would say I deserved it because I went back with him, but it was suppose to be casual sex.  He fucking raped me.  Fuck the hell out of me until I bled all over the place.  I bawled while he was fucking me and told him to stop that he was hurting me.  He didn't.  He just kept doing it.  And when he was done, he passed out on top of me and declared his love for me.

"I love you, baby!"  That's his exact words.

I pushed him off of me and got dressed.  Blood running down my legs and all.  I had to get out of there.  I drove home crying, barely even seeing the road.  I made it home and called my sister.  I told her about what happened.  And I left it at that.  I know, I should have reported him, but I figured the police would have twisted the story to say it was my fault for going back with him for casual sex to begin with.  So I never reported the rape.

I never told anyone, but my sister and my soul sister, Chandra.  Now I'm telling the world, so to speak.

I wrote a poem about it, borrowing Emilie Autumn's song title, 'God Help Me'.  Because at that time it was happening, that's what I was thinking.

So if you or someone you know has been raped, please report it.  Tori Amos co-founded the hotline, RAINN, the rape, abuse, incest, national network and you should call it.  1-800-656-HOPE
And those volunteers will talk to you about what's going on in your life and why you're calling.  They're excellent people and most of them are victims themselves.  Don't let those creeps get away with what they did or are doing to you.

I've seen my rapist twice this month and done nothing buy glare at him.  He probably doesn't even remember me.  He was that wasted that night.  But I remember him and the tattoos on his face.  And I know his name, as well.  It's too late for me to do anything, but I can't stress it enough that if you or someone you know who has been raped should take action.

Here's the poem I wrote about that night.

God Help Me!

God help me,
I can’t believe
He’s touching me.
He says, “I love you.”
But I just met him
A few hours ago.
His hands are hot and rough.
He makes me bleed.
I cry out for help,
But he smothers my face
With his mouth.
I try to push him away,
But his weight pins me
To the bed.
How’d I get here?
His hands pry my legs open.
God help me!
He’s entering me,
Slamming into me,
Ripping me apart.
It hurts like hell.
I cry and try to push
Him off of me again.
No one can help me.
I can feel his evil seed
Explode inside me.
I gasp at the pain.
There’s blood all over
The sheets.
He passes out from having
Too much to drink.
But before he sleeps,
He declares his love
For me once more.
I push his heavy body
Off mine and try to
Find my clothes
That he tore off of me.
I know his name.
But I don’t tell anyone.
I’m ashamed.
I’m afraid.
God help me…I need the strength
To carry on.  To be brave.
I want to die.
But instead, I sleep
When I get to my home.
I’ve let another man
Rape me again.

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012   

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