Thursday, March 29, 2012

Oh long johnson...

I'm sitting here in Chandra's side of the duplex.  We live side by each.  It's great!  I mean really.  How many girls get to hang out with their best friend practically every day?  That's why we say we're sisters.  Well one of the reasons.  There's plenty other reasons why we're sisters. 

Anyhoo, Chandra is strumming away on her guitar learning the song "Come Together"  And if you don't know who that's by, shame on you!

So what to talk about.  I made the comment to her that we should start and all girl band.  I know one thing, I won't be singing.  My voice sucks.  I know it's because I smoke.  My voice has dropped an octave.  No more soprano singing voice.  Hello alto/tenor voice.  It's kinda sexy actually.  But it's not sexy how I got it.

I hate smoking too, that's the thing.  I hate the way it makes me smell, the way I taste things, smell things.  It's kinda like I write therefore I smoke.  I know, that's horrible.  That's the way it used to be when I smoked  (I quit for two years then one day just upped and started smoking again).  I'd have a cigarette hanging from my mouth off to the left side and squinting my left eye to prevent smoke from going into it.  And type the hours away.  That last blog was really fuckin' long so I had to of smoked half a pack of ciggies while I wrote that.  I've got to stop this madness!

*sighs loudly*  I need to change a lot of things going on with me.  And I must not be afraid to try.  It won't harm me to sit down and write out my habits that need to change.  First and foremost is my finances.  I just took on a hefty bill for a year.  Yep, that would be my lappy.  It'll be paid off in a year.  But it's a big bill.  And I have a stupid credit card that I'm paying out the ying yang for.   I should have learned my lesson from my marriage.  Hey, I have no regret for Alice...that's what I named my new lappy.  :o)

I also need to do something about my meds.  My mental meds I'm keeping.  I'm on the right cocktail when it concerns my depression and anxiety and mood swings.  Thank you scientists for creating these wonderful meds to keep me stable.  It took years, and I mean years of trying this med and that med and this cocktail and that cocktail.  But I've finally reached my stable level and I'm not changing it at all, except to go off of them if I can in the future because I can control my mood swings.  I don't see that happening just yet though.

Now my pain meds are something else.  The breakthrough med is good, but the the long term med is messing with my blood sugar, messing with my G.I. system and not really working anymore.  When I see my doctor next time, I'm bringing this up.  No sense in taking them if they're not working, right?  Chandra pulled me up on this.  And she's right.

Ha ha ha..we're watching South Park  The talking cat from America's Funniest Home Videos is on there and he's trending.  "Oh long johnson...oh don piano...oh the live long day..."  Funny shit!

Well chillens, I'm gonna play the Sims for a little while.  I'm so happy I can play the Sims again.  Well, for the first time.  It;s the 3rd version of Sims.  The currant game that's out now.

I shall talkactcha later.  Lots of hugs and kisses to everyone.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Narcissistic Duo

You were the epitome of all things wonderful.
Until the day you betrayed me.
I’ve always hated you for your beauty.
Because you didn’t earn it properly.
Eating laxatives and forcing yourself
To throw-up.
That’s not a real diet.
Then when you got down to the size you wanted,
All you did was complain that you were fat.
Then you started to starved yourself.
You weren’t satisfied with yourself.
You even applied for an Extreme Make-Over.
I mean, who does that???
And you’re not even a girl!
You’re a gay boy.  A confused gay boy.
You don’t even deserve to be called a man.
You used me, you used your family, you
Used anyone who you could benefit from.
Fucking liar!
I hope you understand what you did to
Me wasn’t cool, but no, I’m sure you
Know you were using me on purpose
And that you could because I have
A kind heart.
I wonder if you miss me.
Knowing you had a true friend in me?
Or if you just moved onto your next victim.
And I wonder if she knows you’re using her.
Or if she just doesn’t care.
She used me too, so you two should get
Along perfectly as best friends.
One using the other.
You’re both narcissistic!
Both using anybody in your way.
I wonder if your husband is putting
Up with all your bullshit.
Probably because he doesn’t know
How to take care of himself.
If it were me that was being used for my money,
I’d take control of the money and make sure you
Worked for whatever money you wanted to spend.
But that’s me.
I’m done in all this.
No one will ever use me again.
And if someone does, so help me
Heads will spin.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Stuck Together Like Nature Intended

The wind is blowing and it’s
Whispering  our names.
Telling us that we were meant
To be together and that no one
Will ever sever our sisterhood.

She, brown hair and blue eyes.
Me, red hair and blue grey eyes.
Creatures of creativity.
Writers of poetry.
Players of music.
Her, guitar.
Me, keyboard.
One day we will create together.

We will sing at the top of our lungs
Our favorite music.
Her, Serj Tankian and System of a Down.
Me, Emilie Autumn and Nine Inch Nails.

Music is what keeps us together.
Writing is what keeps us together.
Love is what keeps us together.
Memories and actions are what
Keep us together.

Opening our hearts with our brilliance.
Together, we make people jealous
Of our genius.

Grateful because we have each other.
Not only best friends, we’re sisters.
Until the end of time.
No one will EVER come between us.
Not them, not you, not even God.
We’re stuck like nature intended.
And that’s the way it always will be.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

To My Darkling Friend, Nicole

Truly beautiful, to behold
My darkling friend, Nicole.
Her heart has been deceived.
Her mind has been played by others.
I would never dream of doing
Anything to hurt her.
And if I find out someone is
Playing with her, they better
Keep it moving or I will destroy  them.
No one will hurt my friends!
I keep my friends close to me.

I declare my honor and love for you, Nikki
You’re the greatest friend ever!

Keep writing my darkling angel poetess.
It’s what keeps your heart beating
And your mind going.
And if you need me for anything,
Know that I will always be there
For you,  always and forever.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Bipolar Sisters

The way you cling to my heart,
The way you love me and we’ll
Never be apart.

I love you dearly, my sweet soul sister.
And will ‘til the day I die.

We are so alike in so many ways.
And yet so different in other ways.

Our Bipolar ways  keep us from
Going our separate directions.
Yet you know how to control your
Symptoms, unlike me, who needs
Medicine to keep me from going wacko.

Even if we have words to speak with
One another about the others actions.
We speak to each other about them and
Solve each problems with words of wisdom
And love and honesty.

I feel I haven’t been fair to you lately
Because of my actions.
And you brought me up on my mistakes.
That’s what friends do.

Now we’re family in a whole other sense
And will never go our separate ways.
I thank God every day that you’re in my life.
Because without you, I would be depressed
All over again and I don’t want to live that life.

Thank you for being a honest friend.
I’ve never had that in a friend before.
I love you to space and back., baby doll.
Always and forever.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Saturday, March 24, 2012

a is for asexual

Well I'm up as usual before 8am.  I'm doing laundry right now.  I'm actually not hurting right now, which is a good thing because this past month has been hard on me and I've had trouble doing normal things, like going to the store and doing things around the house.  I don't understand why I hurt so bad, because I'm on some pretty powerful pain meds.  They just aren't cutting it.  Well, they are in a way, my legs haven't been cramping up on me.

Now two days ago, I woke with a killer migraine.  So I took some Excedrin Migraine and went back to bed.  I had to reschedule an appointment because my head was killing me.  If you've never had a migraine you don't know how debilitating they can be.  All sounds and light make me nauseated.  The pain is on half of my head and behind my left eye...sometimes both eyes.  I have to be in a dark room, which my bedroom is dark on purpose because I sleep during the day most days.  And every time I turn my head, I experience vertigo.  It's like the whole room turns into a ride at the fair or at an amusement park.  In plain words, it sucks!  My mom suffers from migraines all the time too.  So does her twin sister and my sister.  Although, Kristen hasn't had any problems with her head since she got attuned to Reiki.

Anyway, that's not why I wanted to write this blog.  I wanted to write this morning because I wanted to continue my blog from the other night.

So all these boys picked on me throughout my entire school life.  When I got in high school, it was just as cruel if not crueler.  When I started cutting myself, I had one particular boy, Bobby (once again the name is changed to save my butt), said to me when he saw I had bandages on my wrists in 10th grade biology, "Awww...poor Karen...can't even commit suicide right."  I was embarrassed.  I don't know how many kids heard him or paid him any attention, but I heard him and wanted to die there on the spot.  Not only did I not want to die, when I cut myself, I wanted to "kill" the anger that my mother had invoked in me.

My depression was pretty bad in high school.  I didn't try as hard as I should have, which is probably why I always have dreams of having to go back to school and make up for what I didn't work hard at.  I excelled in English and music.  The rest of my subjects I got by by the skin of my teeth.  I almost didn't graduate.  That's when I met my first live-in boyfriend.

I was practicing a solo for the spring concert and he was working on the lights in the lighting booth and he fell in love, so to speak.  I was singing, Part of Your World from Disney's The Little Mermaid.  Because prom was just days away, he asked if I wanted to go on a date prom night.  I said, yes, of course.  If I remember correctly, we went bowling.

That was May and before the month was up, I moved in with him because I had to get away from my mother.  Dad had property out in Goshen near Baney Settlement.  So, we moved there.  He kept me isolated from my friends except one.  I don't know why this one particular friend was allowed to be at our house, but she was.  Later, I discovered that he liked her and wanted her to perform sexual things on him that I refused to do.  After that incident, I knew I didn't love him anymore.  That's when he started forcing himself on me and leaving bruises on my inner arms from pinching me because he was basically being a bully.  When we'd go to my parents for whatever reason, he would sit in the car and beep the horn if I took too long.  He also called me from his job and check up on me and make sure I was cleaning the house and not watching any movies that he had.  Which, I did because I hated him and wanted him out of me life.

We went to New Hampshire and Vermont in July around my birthday and it was then he tried to drown me.  He invited his friend and girlfriend to join us at his dad's camp in Vermont.  We were swimming in White Mountain river and I ran and jumped in because it was cold water and I jumped too close to him.  He thought I did it on purpose and held me under the water until I blacked out.  His friend and him had a huge fight over this and his friend's girlfriend had stayed by my side until I came to.  I should have known then that this relationship was over.  But I thought, no one will ever love me, my mom told me that, so I took the abuse.

In August, we moved downtown to the building which is now the men's shelter.  Now my friends that lived in town were closer to me and I could sneak them in the house when he was working.  At this time, we had four kitties.  Yes, I was a crazy cat lady then too.  Well the kitties didn't like him and pooped and peed on his clothes and pissed him off so much that he abused them.  I remember one time, I had Ariel on my lap and I was loving her and he picked her up by the scruff of her neck and threw her up against the wall.  "You love those cats more than you love me!"  Well duh!  They didn't hurt me like you did.

Finally, in October, I broke up with him and moved back home to the hell hole.  Mom didn't believe me that he abused me or the kitties, she didn't believe me that he raped me, she didn't believe me that he kept my friends from me.  She thought, I deserved to be treated the way he treated me because I was "bad" and needed to be punished.  How nice, right?

I was working at KFC when it was in the building that Silver Screen is in now and when I had been there for a year, I went to school in Pittsburgh at the Wilma Boyd School of Travel and Business Careers.  That's where I met my best friend, J. Dull.

Jennifer and I were like peas and carrots.  We loved the same music, we had the same taste in things, and we had classes together.  It was there where she met her daughter's father.  She has nothing to do with him and that's a good thing cause when she told him she was pregnant, he basically told her, "Bye!"  She now is married to her high school sweetheart and has three beautiful children.

When I graduated from school,  which I skipped out on the ceremonies, I came back home and went looking for a job.  Because I'm plus size, I couldn't find a job as a hotel reservation desk clerk and that's also when my kidneys began their bullshit.  So, ignoring my kidneys, I became a nurse's aide at the nursing home my mom and aunt worked for.

I worked on the 3 - 11 shift at first.  They figured if I worked the same shift as my mom, she would give me special treatment.  Which was bullshit, she treated me like I was just another aide.  I pulled double shifts to find that out.  Finally, after having a weeks vacation and spending that time with J. Dull, I came back and worked nights with my mom and aunt.  I dream of working there all the time now too.  Nine years will do that to ya.

In 1994, I met a man through one of the nurses who went to group therapy with him.  She thought the two of us would hit it off.  And we did.  One thing though, he wanted a fuck buddy and not a relationship.  I made the mistake of falling in love with him.  I also stopped taking my birth control pills so I could get pregnant (not knowing I was infertile to begin with).  I wanted a baby so badly.  I guess God, thought, no, girl, you're too much like a child yourself to have children.  Boy, was God right about that.

Two days before Christmas, he broke it off with me and told me he was seeing someone steady.  I was heart broken.  Here, all this time while he was fucking me, he was seeing her afterwards.  Talk about being a slime.
I wonder to this day what she thought about him fucking me and then going to her afterwards.  Obviously nothing because they're now together in Georgia.  And that's the second time with me in 2001 and with her just recently after he and Chandra broke up.  More on that later.

In 1995, in May, I answered a personals ad in the Ad Bargain.  I thought, why not give this a try.  Talk about being stupid.  Here again, I followed my heart and not my brain.  I met him in Altoona and we went to eat.  He didn't eat and I felt strange eating in front of him.  Plus, he didn't have money, so that made it even more awkward.  A week after we met, his grandparents threw him out and he came to live with me and my parents until we could find a place in Clearfield.  This is when the lies began.  He told me he had spent time in jail for beating up this guy for raping this girl.  Then it was he beat this guy up because of some other dumb reason.  And the lies just kept spilling out of his mouth.

We moved in with each other in June and I threw him out him July.  He had slept with another girl in my bed while I had been at work.  He tattooed my back and scarred me for life.  Now if you touch my tattoo of Ariel you can feel the double lines he did and every so often it gets really itchy.  He stole things from me and gave things of mine to that girl .  Plus, he put the moves on my sister and she was only 13 going on 14.  Sick prick!  I was actually scared to live on my own after I threw him out.  I locked all the windows and put sticks in the windows so if you unlocked them somehow, the sticks would stop him from opening the windows.  But he never tried.  Lucky for him.

I vowed I would never date again after that.  But that's when my ex-husband came into the picture while I was taking care of my grandmother.

In October of 1995, Mino was put in Christ the King for rehabilitation.  She was cruel and mean to mom and Aunt Jacky.  And she said something to Aunt Jacky that made her slap her and then Aunt Jacky resigned from being a CNA.  So it was determined that I would take care of Mino at her home.

Mino proved to be difficult and I had my little sister, 14 by this time, move in with me and help me take care of her when I was sleeping and she wasn't at school.  When I was sleeping and she was at school, hospice took care of Mino.  We made dear friends with the two aides that took care of Mino.  One of which was very dear to us, her name was Dorothy.  I can't remember the other aide.  I think her name was Sherry.  I'm more than likely wrong on that.  Anyway, my friends, who were also Kristen and Jr's friends, came over and that's when I met Chad.  I would have never dreamed that he was the one I would marry, but he was.

I asked for one day off from taking care of Mino and have Mom come up.  That was a big mistake.  It ended with Mom slapping Mino across the face just like Aunt Jacky did.  I mean, I know the woman was difficult, but I never slapped her.  Never even dreamed of slapping her.  I did, however yell at her the final day of her life, and I regret that to the moon and back.  She was ringing this bell, Dorothy gave her so she could hear her if she was outside smoking a cigarette.  She just kept ringing and ringing and ringing this bell and it got on my nerves and I grabbed that bell and I ran in loudly at her and told her now ONLY RING THIS BELL IF YOU NEED SOMETHING.  She fell asleep then and so I went to bed before work and didn't wake her up to say good night to her before I left.  Kristen didn't have to heart to wake her either and the next morning, Bean found her dead.

The next month, March, Chad and I moved in with each other and he asked me to marry him.  In July of 1997, we married on the 19th.  Between our birthdays.

I moved to Clifton Springs, NY shortly after he got his job at the factory he still works for.  I got a job almost immediately as a CNA at the Residential part of the hospital in Clifton and worked there for almost a year until my kidneys almost failed on me.  That's when I applied for disability.  That was February of 1999.

It took three tries and hiring a lawyer to get disability, but I got it finally.  By that time, I was divorced and living in the Victorian house on Martin St.

I took great advantage of not working at this time.  I partied with my so-called friends.  Some friends still are my friends today.  But when my house got busted for underage drinking, the partying stop and only a few of us partied and it wasn't like it was in the beginning.

In 2002, I met two boys and they moved in with me.  I was sleeping with the one, but soon I was sleeping with both of them.  I do not recall those years very much because my shrink put me on Neurontin and it turned me into a zombie.  I would have NEVER have slept with both guys if I would have my mind about me.  They used me, of course, too.  Finally, the one left and the one that stayed turned into a raging alcoholic.  The ONLY good thing that came out of my relationship with him was that he brought my baby, Spooky, into my life.  And believe, that cat was a tiny hell child when he was little.  Peed all over the house, staking territory, terrorizing my elderly cat, Ariel, which she died in 2004.  Spooky was one when she died.

That's when I moved here, where I live now.  A year after I lived here, my elderly cat, Puss, died.  Since then, I promised I wouldn't get anymore kitties until all my kitties have died or if I had to, get rid of them.  My dad has tried to sell this place, and each time put me through heartache on trying to find homes for my babies.  Now he's stopped trying to get rid of this place and I, at least for the time being, have a home for me and the kitties.

I've had a few dates since then.  One girl moved in with me for a month then moved out and back home to her folks house.  And now, well, I have come to the conclusion that I am to be single and that's that.  I don't need anyone in my life telling me what I can and cannot do.  And I now consider myself as asexual.    For those of you who don't know what that means.

Well, chillens, I think I wrote most of my life's story this morning.  Some of which you already knew from other blogs, but some very new to you.  I think I'm going  to take a nap now while my last load of laundry is drying.  Thank you for taking the time for reading this.  It means a lot to me to have followers.  Lots of hugs and kisses to all of you.  Until I feel the need to write again.  TTFN  ta ta for now

Thursday, March 22, 2012

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Today...well yesterday, I got my hair cut.  Woot Woot!  It's super short in the back and long in the front.  If you see me coming atcha, you'd think I just got my hair trimmed in the front.  That's what Pastor Jolene said when I saw her with Mom today out at Devil Mart.

Cool things though, I got my copy of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and a few others.  The Dark Crystal, The Birdcage, and one I've been dying to own because it's about mad people like me or worse and the great Jack Nicholson stars in it, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!  Murder and Sex Abuse, Fantasy, Drag Queens, and the Insane.  Think I'll have an interesting weekend of movie watching starting tonight.  LOL

Oh, I'll be dying my hair too.  So there won't be fancy pictures, just ones that I usually pose for in the bathroom.  Ooooo....that sounded dirty.  I have a dirty mind.

So I'm spending a lot of time thinking and reflecting my life,  And I've come to a conclusion that the events I experienced happened to create the woman the I am today.  I don't like saying "woman" because my mind is young and I like saying "girl" better.  No attachments to the male of the species. *winks*  Saying that would make me a feminist.  OOooppps!  Sorry gentlemen.  I have only come across a good few of you and most of you are gay.  What does that say?

Anyway, I've been thinking about my life, in plain words, and what's happened to bring me here today, right now, sitting in my undies at the kitchen table with a cigarette hanging from my mouth (Mom would be appalled at the sight I just mentioned.)  One, I need to quit that filthy habit.  I may call myself a Filthy Victorian, but that doesn't include smoking.  Well the whole cigarette thing is a writers thing.  I smoke more now than I ever did before I quit two years ago.  Yeah, you read that right.  I quit for two years.  I started back up because I was going out with Mary Mary Quite Contrary to Dingers every weekend and started bumming cigarettes after I had a few drinks in me,  Oooops!  I actually do my most writing in the computer room and not on the mini lappy.  (Netbook).  In fact, I just got the mini lappy back from Mom a few days ago.

But yeah, as I was saying, the boys teasing me in school, all my entire school life.  From Preschool to my Senior Year.  (The following names have been changed to save my ass)  First there was Timmy.  He lived down the street from me.  The very first day I rode a bus by myself, without Mom or Dad there,   He made fun of my clothes (my mom sewed my clothes.) and pulled my hair.  OH now of course I KNOW he was flirting with me.  Well that's what my Mom told me he was doing.  Huh.  Flirting, right.  My entire elementary school life was being "flirted" with by Timmy and Donny, George, Johnny, Gary, Lee, Chris. Travis.  And that was just elementary school.  Third Ward to be exact.  Sounds like a floor name in an asylum.  Hee hee hee

You know Johnny told me I had blow job lips.  What the FUCK?!  A fifth grader.  OH I KNOW todays kids are soooo much worse.  But that was back in the early '70s.  OMG...I just gave my age away!  Baby cakes, I stopped aging a long time ago.  *winks*  But yeah, he told me that and of course being that I was sheltered, I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.  I didn't hear the word "Fuck" until fifth grade.

My parents are old fashioned and don't drop the "f bomb" like I do or perhaps you the reader, my friends, my best friend, my sister and cousin.  As my dad would say, "Hey I don't like hearing that kind of language."
Mom starting using it when I was a teenager.  She used it a lot on me.  She didn't hit me.  She verbally said things that a mother just doesn't say to their child.

But I'm not talking about my mom right now..  My mind is going a thousand miles per hour with thoughts.  I guess you already can tell that I'm manic.  See how I jump around the subjects?  My thoughts are racing and I can't type fast enough.  OH, and Trent is singing to me.  I love this song.  You know, that's something I've never been tested for.  ADD or ADHD.  They just say I'm Bipolar I w/ severe depression and rapid cycling.  I also am a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer.  I suffer from anxiety attacks.  Let me tell you, they are NOT a laughing matter.  I once worked with this girl who had agoraphobia and couldn't drive over to DuBois or any great distance away from her house.  She would have these anxiety attacks or panic attacks while she was driving away from her house.  I've had anxiety attacks while driving and I've had to have Levi (ex friend that I will use his name) drive the car while my meds kicked it.  Fuckin' scary ass shit.

Uh oh.  Meds just kicked in.  You know what that means.  Yup!  Bedtime.  I'm already falling out.

Nightie night everyone.


Monday, March 19, 2012

Another evening at the hospital...

*sighs*  Another evening at the hospital.  This time it's my kidneys and bladder.  I have Cystitis.  They also think I passed a stone and that's why I' don't need to know.  Let's just say that it has to do with the bladder and blood.  Anyway, now I'm on antibiotics for that.  My blood sugar has been wonderful and the fluid retention is going down.  The pain in my hip is still there, but the only thing that will help that is Physical Therapy.  Yay!

So besides my health going to shit again, I sold a another copy of my book to a friend.  Thanks, Brandi D.  She's also gonna loan it to another friend, Georgia, so two friends will be reading my book.  Woo hoo!

So, if you want a copy of my book and can't buy it online, we can work something out.  I was even thinking of buying a few of my books to autograph and sell them here in town.  I have no idea where.  I guess, just my house for now.  I thought of giving a few copies to a friend to put in his shop, but we keep butting heads and I rather not do something I might regret in the end.

Oh it hurts and burns when I get the urge to pee.  OUCHY!!!!  Stage 3 of Chronic Kidney Disease.  I found out this diagnosis a few months ago when I got my blood work sheets and that's what the disease diagnosis had written on it.  Thanks Polycystic Kidneys!  And they wonder why I'm not all there?  Not only because most of my family has some kind a mental disorder, but because I've gone through hell and back again with my kidneys since 1992!  No, actually 1991 was when I first passed a kidney stone.  That was horrible.  I thought I was dying the pain was so bad.  Now I used to it, but it still hurts like hell!

The Devil's Carnival   Looks awesome!  Emilie Autumn, The Blessed Contessa and Captain Maggots are all in it.  It's a musical done much in the same way as Repo!  The Genetic Opera.  It's by the same people too.  So as you can tell, I will be dying to see this.  Not very many theaters are showing it.  It will be playing in Pittsburgh on the 24th of April.  I think I'm gonna have to get my sister to come up and get me so we can go see it.  Oh, BEAN!!!  But if I have to wait for the DVD, I will.  I did for Repo! The Genetic Opera.  Question:  Is this a live musical or a movie?  Nobody knows as of yet.

Well my darklings, I am off to bed.  I just suddenly got very sleepy.  My meds must of kicked in.  Like whoa I'm down for the count.  I keep falling asleep here at the computer.  I will be so happy when I go for PT
on Tuesday.  My back is killing me now..

Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite.  Yuck!

Nighty night.

Poo Poo's Dream

Slowly as I drift to sleep,
purring because my mommy
is next to me.
I begin to dream of a meadow.
Full of flowers with
buzzing bees and
kissing butterflies
dancing and floating
among the petals.
I hear Mommy and
I run towards her voice.
I love her so much.
I see her up ahead.
She is wearing all black
and calling out my name
and patting her lap while
sitting on a rock under
a tree.
I run to her and jump!
Landing perfecting on her lap.
She pets me and leans
down to kiss my forehead as
I turn my head up so she can
reach it.
My purr goes wild with
thoughts of love for her.
And Mommy bends down to
hug me and I hug her back.
My kitty kisses
fill her face and I talk to her.
Words cannot describe
how much I love her.
Suddenly I wake from
my pleasant dream.
I feel Mommy start to rise
from the bed.
I must follow her!
Make sure she's alright!
I see she enters the bathroom.
I must go and sit on her lap.
That's where I get all my lovins.
I love her so much!
Because she is my mommy.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Way It Always Should Have Been

Your rage tore me up inside,
all I ever wanted from you was
your love. 
I wanted to be loved by you.
You pushed me away back then.
Pushed me to the limits that
I had to cut myself to feel better.
Yeah, I did it because of you.
For the first time.
The rest was with other reasons.
Yeah, you were the one who
made me act out like that.
And I couldn't tell anyone!
Then I would have been
taken out of our home.
Away from my sister.
Away from my dad.
All the cruel things
you said to me,
gone now washed
down the drain.
I've spoken to the doctors
and they've all showed me
the light.
And I thank God everyday
for that because
I would have never forgiven you.
I love you, Mommy.
Always and forever.
They way it always should have been.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Pure Pain

Purest form of pain.
Urges me to sleep all day.
Refill my tea cup frequently.
Every nerve on my right hip is debilitating.
I can't function like this.
Never can remember how all this began.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

And now for something completely different...


Why am I up at this hour?  I was manic the other night.  Stayed up until 8am.  Didn't really sleep either during the day.  I tried to sleep, but I was so awake and wired and manic that sleep came in little spurts.  I haven't been sleeping well too because of pain .  My legs and hips have been bothering me like crazy.  Then there's the day I slept on the couch until nine at night.  That was on Saturday.

My mood has been excellent.  And that's a good thing.  I hope it's not because my best friend is living next door to me again and I can see her just about any time I want.  I mean, that's not bad in the least bit, but she was gone for a couple of years and I got really depressed.  I know she's not permanently going to live there.
I wish she would, but I know she wants to go to California.  I would love to go too.  And maybe some day I will.  I just don't want to part with my kitty family.  And moving to Cali would mean getting rid of the babies.  I just can't do that.  I love them too much.  Before I do any moving, all ties to this town must be gone.  Then I will be good and ready to leave.  I just hope my health will be up to doing that.  My physical.  And I guess my mental too.

Chandra should be up soon to get ready for work.

"got to give up life in this netherworld
gonna go up to where the air is stale
and live the life of pleasantries
and mingle in the modern families"

Had a Siouxsie moment there, sorry.

Boy my hands get so cold when I'm typing at the computer.  It's a good thing that I wear fingerless gloves and arm warmers.

Wow, I just suddenly got tired.  That's good.  I have a doctor's appointment today and I don't want to miss it.  It's vitally important.  Gonna take my morning meds and go back to bed for a little bit.

I shall save this and continue this later.  :)  That's because I love you and I know you don't mind me telling you about my day or life or some other kind of silly thing.  "You" meaning anyone who chooses to read my blog.


I'm manic again.  I feel like staying up all night.

4:20am's time to smoke.  LOL

6:40am  Well I think it's officially time to go to bed.

Love, hugs and kisses,

Karen Elizabeth

Monday, March 12, 2012

An Actor's Monologue

It’s time for the words to come to my head
and all I have on my mind
is getting the hell out of this town.
Destination unknown as of yet,
but I want to go where I can
live my life without them.
Soon I won’t have any sanity left
and I’m already running
out of places to go
and people to choke.
This smoked filled air reminds me
of a scene I once was in,
but now that’s non-existent.
Cars drive by and the passengers
stare at me sitting here
smoking my cigarette.
Teeth chatter, but I stay
in my favorite chair outside.
I wonder when the snow will start to fall
and how much there’ll be.
Counting the days until Christmas.
I wonder what everyone got me.
Sky is dark,
clouds fly by,
wind blows hard,
traffic stands still.
All the leaves on the ground dance
to a lonely forgotten tune,
but I can hear them tell their tale
as they blow past my feet.
What time is it anyway?
Way past my bedtime.
So what do I do?
I light up one more cigarette.
Do you ever wonder what you’ll
be doing years from now?
Do you ever wonder if the end
of the world is near?
I do at times,
but not today.
Today I’m thinking about
nothing in particular.
Here comes the mailman.
Anything for me?
Just junk mail and another
Publishers Clearing House  thing.
Just imagine how much paper is
wasted on all that damn junk mail.
How much is just tossed into the garbage
without looking at it first.
To bad we didn’t get paid to look
at all that useless mail.
We’d all be rich, I bet.
So now what can I do?
Nothing I guess.
Think I’ll go back inside
and get some rest.
And when I wake up,
who knows what I’ll be thinking of.
Here comes the snow.
There goes my cigarette.
Time to retire.
Time to put away my
notebook and pen.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Asylum for Filthy Victorians

Greetings my fellow Filthy Victorians and welcome to The Asylum.  My name is Elizabeth and I am here on behalf of my fellow inmates to educate you in the ways of the insane. Well, not really, but I am here to fill your mind with the history/herstory of Victorian psychiatry.  
Take a walk down the halls with me and see just what it was like for us, girls mainly, back in the day. 
You can thank the truly wonderful and talented Emilie Autumn for the contents of this site, for it is she who has inspired me to tell you all there is to know.  And I'm sure, most of you that come to this site are "muffins" and have the plague by now.  So, let's spread the plague some more, shall we?
Gentlemen, come one, come all! 

See the lovely mad girls locked up for your protection. 

Gaze into their mad eyes and see their lost souls. 
Come see the "Ophelias"!

            Mental Illness During the Victorian Era

             Mental Asylums Pre 1850  

Before the mid-eighteen hundreds, common belief was that those who suffered from mental illness suffered because they had a "disease of the soul". Their madness supposedly stemmed from an evil within, and they thus were treated as animals. Patients in these early asylums were kept in cages, given small amounts of often unclean food, had little or no clothing, wore no shoes, and slept in dirt or hay. Because the patients could often live many years in such conditions, the caretakers became more confident that these human beings were in actuality closer to animals and thus deserving of such abuse.

During the mid-eighteen hundreds, a movement to reform the mental asylums began to permeate throughout society as popular belief began to change about the mentally ill. Those who suffered from madness were no longer suffering because God deemed them ill, but because of a disease of the brain, one that could be studied and eventually cured. Thus, reform began. Patients started being fed well, were given clothing and shoes, and were removed from their chains. Thus, this humanitarian treatment and change in the very perception of mental illness fueled scientific development.

Women during this time were deemed to be highly susceptible to becoming mentally ill as they did not have the mental capacity of men, and this risk grew greatly if the woman attempted to better herself through education or too many activities. In fact, women were seen as most likely having a mental breakdown sometime during their life as "the maintenance of [female] sanity was seen as the preservation of brain stability in the face of overwhelming physical odds". Thus, women often suppressed their feelings, as to not appear mad and resumed the passive, housewife role.  But there were always exceptions to the rule.  You could be a wife who was having symptoms of PMS and be considered "mad" and be sent away to an asylum for mood swings.  You could be sent away for not listening to your husband.  Or a neighbor could accuse you of free thinking and off you go.  Women were prey to the world of madness during this era.

Hysteria and the Wondering Womb

The idea of the Wondering Womb developed during this time, as madness was associated with menstruation, pregnancy, and the menopause. The womb itself was deemed to wander throughout the body, acting as an enormous sponge which sucked the life-energy or intellect from vulnerable women. Thus, women became synonymous with madness, as they were deemed to be emotional and unstable. If a woman of the Victorian era were subject to an outburst (due to discontentment or repression), she would be deemed mad. The word Hysteria became the general term for women with mental illness and cures included bed rest, seclusion, bland food, refrain from mental activities (such as reading), daily massage, and sensory deprivation. Though these treatments do not seem too appalling, they were comparable to solitary confinement and would often drive a woman to further insanity.

Anorexia- The Fasting Girls

Anorexia, though prominent for many years prior, was officially recognized as a disease in 1873.  It flourished during the nineteenth century as women wished to exemplify their femininity. In denying food, a woman could truly be passive and become a weightless accessory for her husband. The physical and spiritual ideal of anorexia also became a status symbol for many women. Working class women had to eat in order to have energy to work. Thus, only middle to upper class women could afford to be anorexic. Cures included being admitted to an asylum where women rested and were excessively fed.


The idea of nymphomania developed during the Victorian era. One-third of all patients in Victorian asylums suffered from this mental illness. It was described as an irresistible desire for sexual intercourse and a "female pathology of over-stimulated genitals". Nymphomania included much more than a simple sexual drive, however, as it was also associated with a loss of sanity. It was described as an "illness of sexual energy levels gone awry, as well as the loss of control of the mind over the body" and included women who allowed their bodies to become subject to uncontrollable movement as nymphomaniacs "threw themselves to the floor, laughed, danced, jumped, lashed out, smashed objects, tore their clothes, grabbed at any man who came before her". It was also believed that those who suffered from this madness would, without treatment, eventually become a raving maniac, robbed over her mind. A woman could be placed in an asylum for nymphomania if she was promiscuous, bore illegitimate children, was a victim of an assault or rape, was caught masturbating, or suffered from man-craziness, a term used during this time period to describe flirtatiousness. When a woman was brought to the asylum, she was subject to a pelvic exam where the doctor claimed she had an enlarged clitoris the size of a penis. Upon later inspection if the clitoris had returned to its normal size, she would be released and deemed cured. Cures for nymphomania included separation from men, bloodletting, induced vomiting, cold douches over the head, warm douches over the breasts, leeches, solitary confinement, strait-jackets, bland diet, and occasional clitoridectomies.

Spinsters and Lesbians

Spinsters and lesbians were considered a threat to society during the nineteenth century as these women chose an alternative lifestyle. They went outside the social norms of women as passive housewives, and instead made their own decisions. They were thought to be mentally ill, as doctors claimed being without continued male interaction would cause irritability, anemia, tiredness, and fussing. These women were also controlled by the term "frigid" which was used to describe them. Women did not want to be "frigid" and thus married to avoid becoming labeled this manner. Those who were admitted to the asylum for being a spinster or a lesbian were submitted to forced marriages by family members or even encouraged sexual encounters where patients were sexually abused or raped under the care of their doctors. It was assumed these women could be cured by repeated sexual interaction with men.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Story of Aphrodite

Aphrodite was born from sea foam,
and while she walked along the shore,
flowers sprang up from under her feet.
She was the personification
of the generative powers of nature,
and the mother of all living beings.
The goddess of love,
who excited passion in the
hearts of gods and men,
and by this power ruled over
all living creation.
She punished those who neglected
her worship or despised her power.
She favored and protected those
who did pay homage to her and
recognized her sway.
Goddess of love and beauty.
Goddess of gracefulness.
As Aphrodite so often kindled
in the hearts of the gods,
she had a love for mortals.
Zeus at last resolved
to make her pay for her
wanton ways by inspiring her
to fall in love with a mortal man.
This was accomplished,
and Aphrodite conceived
an invincible passion for Anchises,
by whom she became the mother
of Aeneas and Lyrus.
As the ancient story goes;
Smyrna had neglected to worship
Aphrodite, and was punished
by the goddess with an
unnatural love for her father. 
When he discovered that
he was deceived by his daughter,
her wanted her dead and chased
after her.
Frightened Smyrna begged the
gods and goddesses to make
her unseen.
They took pity upon her and turned her
into a tree and called it, smurna.
After the lapse of nine months
the tree burst, and Adonis was born.
Aphrodite was so much charmed
with the beauty of the infant,
that she concealed it in a chest
which she entrusted to Persephone.
Later to discover that Persephone
would not give it up.
The case was brought before Zeus,
who decided the dispute by declaring
that during four months of every year
Adonis should be left to himself,
during four months he should
belong to Persephone,
and during the remaining four to Aphrodite.
Adonis, however, preferring to live with Aphrodite,
also spent with her the four months over which he had control.
Afterwards, Adonis died of a wound
which he received from a wild boar during the chase.
Upon his death, he goes to the
Underworld, where Persephone
and he meet again.
When Aphrodite realized what had
happened, she went to the Underworld
to fight back for him with Persephone.
Zeus saw this and once again
decided that Adonis should be with
Persephone six months and the
remaining six months with Aphrodite.
Aphrodite was invited to the wedding of Peleus and Thetis.
One goddess, Eris,  was uninvited and came
to the wedding with a Golden Apple.
She threw the apple among the
goddesses, Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena.
The inscription said, "to the fairest one".
The goddesses all thought they were
the fairest one.
Once again, Zeus decided
that the decision to choose which
goddess was fairest should be
done by Paris.
He could not make a choice
because all three goddesses were
fair and beautiful.
So they bribed him.
Hera offered him control over
Asia and Europe.
While Athena offered him fame,
glory in battle and wisdom.
Aphrodite offered him the most
beautiful mortal woman named, Helen.
Who was, unfortunately for Paris, already
married to King Menelaus of Sparta.
This enraged the other two goddesses.
And this is what started the Trojan War.
Finally, Pygmalion and Galatea.
It is said that the sculptor,
Pygmalion, wouldn't marry.
Aphrodite told him he must make a choice.
Instead of choosing someone, he told
her he would make a sculpture for her.
She had to give him an extra day.
When Aphrodite came back the next day,
the sculpture turned out to be the
most beautiful woman she had ever laid eyes on.
Then she told him to make his choice.
He chose the sculpture.
Aphrodite didn't agree.
He was forced to make a choice again.
And once again, Pygmalion chose
his beautiful sculpture.
Aphrodite took pity upon him and
used her powers to make the sculpture
come alive.
Hence Galatea was given life
and Pygmalion and she got married.
And this was but a short little story about
the goddess of beauty and love,

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Battling for My Soul

So come on, boy!
You’ve tried all
Your greatest moves.
How does it feel?
I guess this joke is on me.
But you see I’ve got
Many plans to move
Ahead and you’re
Not part of the package.
I believe I can see in the future.
When we’re all together.
Perhaps the world will
Unite as one,
But my dreams still end
In night terrors.
What’s that all about?
Is someone battling for my soul?
A Good Side.
A Bad Side.
Perhaps no one.
Perhaps it’s all in my head.
I gaze into the
Crystal ball.
Which side, Karen?
Can’t I have both?

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

Pround Worshiping

Like the wind rushing
through the leaves
on the trees.
I feel it's power
gather in the East.
I cannot go
against my heart.
We were here first.
Then the blessed Babe came.
Our Magi came with gifts for Him.
And peace was on Earth.
But what of us?
Where did we go?
To the mountains where
we weaved spells with
each of the elements.
We love the Babe.
Proof of a Creator.
Bless us oh Wise One.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011



Waking Dreams

Life is just a waking dream,
You know what I mean?
And every time I sleep the
fucked-up dreams I have
haunt me.
Replaying memories
of years gone by.
Playing that same film
I can explain most of them.
The repetition of the
The strangeness of
being out of school
for twenty plus years
and still dreaming about
the assholes who made me
hate that place.
Not trying so hard at achieving
something then.
Just wanting to get the hell out.
No longer working
because of health
and dreaming that
I still take care of the elderly.
The different worlds I visit nightly.
And there's music always in the air.
It's been a while since I've dreamed
of tornadoes or the ocean or having
my teeth fall out.
They're so vivid.
The colors are brighter.
The sounds and music swirl
all around me and inside me.
It's like I died and my mind
is entertaining me with my
regrets and wishes.
And all mine.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Sunday, March 4, 2012


Is it true we all end up
smothered in dirt without
a thought to retrieve us?

Staring into the blankness
in ones eyes, lying
and saying "it's okay,"
when it's not.

Experiencing the newness of
this hallucination.

A feeling of calmness deep
within the soul.

Generating a serenity.
Becoming alive is this
floating feeling of wellness.

Treading deep waters in pitch darkness.
Every sense alive! 

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011