Saturday, March 24, 2012

a is for asexual

Well I'm up as usual before 8am.  I'm doing laundry right now.  I'm actually not hurting right now, which is a good thing because this past month has been hard on me and I've had trouble doing normal things, like going to the store and doing things around the house.  I don't understand why I hurt so bad, because I'm on some pretty powerful pain meds.  They just aren't cutting it.  Well, they are in a way, my legs haven't been cramping up on me.

Now two days ago, I woke with a killer migraine.  So I took some Excedrin Migraine and went back to bed.  I had to reschedule an appointment because my head was killing me.  If you've never had a migraine you don't know how debilitating they can be.  All sounds and light make me nauseated.  The pain is on half of my head and behind my left eye...sometimes both eyes.  I have to be in a dark room, which my bedroom is dark on purpose because I sleep during the day most days.  And every time I turn my head, I experience vertigo.  It's like the whole room turns into a ride at the fair or at an amusement park.  In plain words, it sucks!  My mom suffers from migraines all the time too.  So does her twin sister and my sister.  Although, Kristen hasn't had any problems with her head since she got attuned to Reiki.

Anyway, that's not why I wanted to write this blog.  I wanted to write this morning because I wanted to continue my blog from the other night.

So all these boys picked on me throughout my entire school life.  When I got in high school, it was just as cruel if not crueler.  When I started cutting myself, I had one particular boy, Bobby (once again the name is changed to save my butt), said to me when he saw I had bandages on my wrists in 10th grade biology, "Awww...poor Karen...can't even commit suicide right."  I was embarrassed.  I don't know how many kids heard him or paid him any attention, but I heard him and wanted to die there on the spot.  Not only did I not want to die, when I cut myself, I wanted to "kill" the anger that my mother had invoked in me.

My depression was pretty bad in high school.  I didn't try as hard as I should have, which is probably why I always have dreams of having to go back to school and make up for what I didn't work hard at.  I excelled in English and music.  The rest of my subjects I got by by the skin of my teeth.  I almost didn't graduate.  That's when I met my first live-in boyfriend.

I was practicing a solo for the spring concert and he was working on the lights in the lighting booth and he fell in love, so to speak.  I was singing, Part of Your World from Disney's The Little Mermaid.  Because prom was just days away, he asked if I wanted to go on a date prom night.  I said, yes, of course.  If I remember correctly, we went bowling.

That was May and before the month was up, I moved in with him because I had to get away from my mother.  Dad had property out in Goshen near Baney Settlement.  So, we moved there.  He kept me isolated from my friends except one.  I don't know why this one particular friend was allowed to be at our house, but she was.  Later, I discovered that he liked her and wanted her to perform sexual things on him that I refused to do.  After that incident, I knew I didn't love him anymore.  That's when he started forcing himself on me and leaving bruises on my inner arms from pinching me because he was basically being a bully.  When we'd go to my parents for whatever reason, he would sit in the car and beep the horn if I took too long.  He also called me from his job and check up on me and make sure I was cleaning the house and not watching any movies that he had.  Which, I did because I hated him and wanted him out of me life.

We went to New Hampshire and Vermont in July around my birthday and it was then he tried to drown me.  He invited his friend and girlfriend to join us at his dad's camp in Vermont.  We were swimming in White Mountain river and I ran and jumped in because it was cold water and I jumped too close to him.  He thought I did it on purpose and held me under the water until I blacked out.  His friend and him had a huge fight over this and his friend's girlfriend had stayed by my side until I came to.  I should have known then that this relationship was over.  But I thought, no one will ever love me, my mom told me that, so I took the abuse.

In August, we moved downtown to the building which is now the men's shelter.  Now my friends that lived in town were closer to me and I could sneak them in the house when he was working.  At this time, we had four kitties.  Yes, I was a crazy cat lady then too.  Well the kitties didn't like him and pooped and peed on his clothes and pissed him off so much that he abused them.  I remember one time, I had Ariel on my lap and I was loving her and he picked her up by the scruff of her neck and threw her up against the wall.  "You love those cats more than you love me!"  Well duh!  They didn't hurt me like you did.

Finally, in October, I broke up with him and moved back home to the hell hole.  Mom didn't believe me that he abused me or the kitties, she didn't believe me that he raped me, she didn't believe me that he kept my friends from me.  She thought, I deserved to be treated the way he treated me because I was "bad" and needed to be punished.  How nice, right?

I was working at KFC when it was in the building that Silver Screen is in now and when I had been there for a year, I went to school in Pittsburgh at the Wilma Boyd School of Travel and Business Careers.  That's where I met my best friend, J. Dull.

Jennifer and I were like peas and carrots.  We loved the same music, we had the same taste in things, and we had classes together.  It was there where she met her daughter's father.  She has nothing to do with him and that's a good thing cause when she told him she was pregnant, he basically told her, "Bye!"  She now is married to her high school sweetheart and has three beautiful children.

When I graduated from school,  which I skipped out on the ceremonies, I came back home and went looking for a job.  Because I'm plus size, I couldn't find a job as a hotel reservation desk clerk and that's also when my kidneys began their bullshit.  So, ignoring my kidneys, I became a nurse's aide at the nursing home my mom and aunt worked for.

I worked on the 3 - 11 shift at first.  They figured if I worked the same shift as my mom, she would give me special treatment.  Which was bullshit, she treated me like I was just another aide.  I pulled double shifts to find that out.  Finally, after having a weeks vacation and spending that time with J. Dull, I came back and worked nights with my mom and aunt.  I dream of working there all the time now too.  Nine years will do that to ya.

In 1994, I met a man through one of the nurses who went to group therapy with him.  She thought the two of us would hit it off.  And we did.  One thing though, he wanted a fuck buddy and not a relationship.  I made the mistake of falling in love with him.  I also stopped taking my birth control pills so I could get pregnant (not knowing I was infertile to begin with).  I wanted a baby so badly.  I guess God, thought, no, girl, you're too much like a child yourself to have children.  Boy, was God right about that.

Two days before Christmas, he broke it off with me and told me he was seeing someone steady.  I was heart broken.  Here, all this time while he was fucking me, he was seeing her afterwards.  Talk about being a slime.
I wonder to this day what she thought about him fucking me and then going to her afterwards.  Obviously nothing because they're now together in Georgia.  And that's the second time with me in 2001 and with her just recently after he and Chandra broke up.  More on that later.

In 1995, in May, I answered a personals ad in the Ad Bargain.  I thought, why not give this a try.  Talk about being stupid.  Here again, I followed my heart and not my brain.  I met him in Altoona and we went to eat.  He didn't eat and I felt strange eating in front of him.  Plus, he didn't have money, so that made it even more awkward.  A week after we met, his grandparents threw him out and he came to live with me and my parents until we could find a place in Clearfield.  This is when the lies began.  He told me he had spent time in jail for beating up this guy for raping this girl.  Then it was he beat this guy up because of some other dumb reason.  And the lies just kept spilling out of his mouth.

We moved in with each other in June and I threw him out him July.  He had slept with another girl in my bed while I had been at work.  He tattooed my back and scarred me for life.  Now if you touch my tattoo of Ariel you can feel the double lines he did and every so often it gets really itchy.  He stole things from me and gave things of mine to that girl .  Plus, he put the moves on my sister and she was only 13 going on 14.  Sick prick!  I was actually scared to live on my own after I threw him out.  I locked all the windows and put sticks in the windows so if you unlocked them somehow, the sticks would stop him from opening the windows.  But he never tried.  Lucky for him.

I vowed I would never date again after that.  But that's when my ex-husband came into the picture while I was taking care of my grandmother.

In October of 1995, Mino was put in Christ the King for rehabilitation.  She was cruel and mean to mom and Aunt Jacky.  And she said something to Aunt Jacky that made her slap her and then Aunt Jacky resigned from being a CNA.  So it was determined that I would take care of Mino at her home.

Mino proved to be difficult and I had my little sister, 14 by this time, move in with me and help me take care of her when I was sleeping and she wasn't at school.  When I was sleeping and she was at school, hospice took care of Mino.  We made dear friends with the two aides that took care of Mino.  One of which was very dear to us, her name was Dorothy.  I can't remember the other aide.  I think her name was Sherry.  I'm more than likely wrong on that.  Anyway, my friends, who were also Kristen and Jr's friends, came over and that's when I met Chad.  I would have never dreamed that he was the one I would marry, but he was.

I asked for one day off from taking care of Mino and have Mom come up.  That was a big mistake.  It ended with Mom slapping Mino across the face just like Aunt Jacky did.  I mean, I know the woman was difficult, but I never slapped her.  Never even dreamed of slapping her.  I did, however yell at her the final day of her life, and I regret that to the moon and back.  She was ringing this bell, Dorothy gave her so she could hear her if she was outside smoking a cigarette.  She just kept ringing and ringing and ringing this bell and it got on my nerves and I grabbed that bell and I ran in loudly at her and told her now ONLY RING THIS BELL IF YOU NEED SOMETHING.  She fell asleep then and so I went to bed before work and didn't wake her up to say good night to her before I left.  Kristen didn't have to heart to wake her either and the next morning, Bean found her dead.

The next month, March, Chad and I moved in with each other and he asked me to marry him.  In July of 1997, we married on the 19th.  Between our birthdays.

I moved to Clifton Springs, NY shortly after he got his job at the factory he still works for.  I got a job almost immediately as a CNA at the Residential part of the hospital in Clifton and worked there for almost a year until my kidneys almost failed on me.  That's when I applied for disability.  That was February of 1999.

It took three tries and hiring a lawyer to get disability, but I got it finally.  By that time, I was divorced and living in the Victorian house on Martin St.

I took great advantage of not working at this time.  I partied with my so-called friends.  Some friends still are my friends today.  But when my house got busted for underage drinking, the partying stop and only a few of us partied and it wasn't like it was in the beginning.

In 2002, I met two boys and they moved in with me.  I was sleeping with the one, but soon I was sleeping with both of them.  I do not recall those years very much because my shrink put me on Neurontin and it turned me into a zombie.  I would have NEVER have slept with both guys if I would have my mind about me.  They used me, of course, too.  Finally, the one left and the one that stayed turned into a raging alcoholic.  The ONLY good thing that came out of my relationship with him was that he brought my baby, Spooky, into my life.  And believe, that cat was a tiny hell child when he was little.  Peed all over the house, staking territory, terrorizing my elderly cat, Ariel, which she died in 2004.  Spooky was one when she died.

That's when I moved here, where I live now.  A year after I lived here, my elderly cat, Puss, died.  Since then, I promised I wouldn't get anymore kitties until all my kitties have died or if I had to, get rid of them.  My dad has tried to sell this place, and each time put me through heartache on trying to find homes for my babies.  Now he's stopped trying to get rid of this place and I, at least for the time being, have a home for me and the kitties.

I've had a few dates since then.  One girl moved in with me for a month then moved out and back home to her folks house.  And now, well, I have come to the conclusion that I am to be single and that's that.  I don't need anyone in my life telling me what I can and cannot do.  And I now consider myself as asexual.    For those of you who don't know what that means.

Well, chillens, I think I wrote most of my life's story this morning.  Some of which you already knew from other blogs, but some very new to you.  I think I'm going  to take a nap now while my last load of laundry is drying.  Thank you for taking the time for reading this.  It means a lot to me to have followers.  Lots of hugs and kisses to all of you.  Until I feel the need to write again.  TTFN  ta ta for now

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