Dying Young...For my Ex-Neighbor

This is not a love song.
Never was and never will.
So you're dead and gone.
And it's all your fault.
I tried to tell you, you
had a true friend in me.
That I loved you like a friend.
And you made it dirty.
Well, you wish you could of
had a girl like me!
Someone who was kind and loving.
What were you thinking?
I guess I'll never know.
Telling this whole town I
was in love with you.
In your dreams, buster!
Why would I pick someone like you?
Playing Russian Roulette every minute
you crushed a pill
and drank your alcohol.
Oh I know about your past too.
So when I come up to Heaven and
I see you there, I'm gonna slap you
for dying young.
Signed, sealed, delivered!

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

God Help Me!

Well I told my therapist that I would write about this subject.  And it's a touchy subject in my book.  This month I have run into the man that raped me back when my sister lived next door to me.  I don't think he remembers me, because he's showed no recognition upon my part, but I sure as hell remember him.

Back in the day, about 2005 or 2006, I met this guy at Dingers who was the cook there at the time.  He seemed interesting at the time and he asked my sister and me to go back to his house to drink and play cards.  Kristen asked him if her friend, Aaron could come along and he said yes.

So we got into his mini van and went to Morrisdale.  He shouldn't have even been driving and we shouldn't have been in the van with him.  He ran a red light, drove up on the embankment at one point and was all over the road.

When we arrived at his house, we came to find out that he lived in the basement of his parents house.  So we had to keep it down.  We played cards and drank.  I didn't drink because I hate beer.  But everyone else drank and played cards.

It came time for everyone to leave and he asked me if I would come back.  Stupidly, I said I would follow him back in my car.  I knew he wanted to have sex and I told him I would, just as long as he used condoms.  So on our way back to his place, we stopped at Wal-Mart and he bought a box of condoms.

When we got back to his place.  Everything felt okay, then he suddenly got rough with me.  He fingered me roughly and cut me up with his nails.  Then he wasn't going to use a condom and I cried and told him to use one.  He hurt me so bad.  He pounded the hell out of me and there was blood all over the sheets of his bed.  I kept crying for him to stop, but he kept right on raping me.

Now I know some would say I deserved it because I went back with him, but it was suppose to be casual sex.  He fucking raped me.  Fuck the hell out of me until I bled all over the place.  I bawled while he was fucking me and told him to stop that he was hurting me.  He didn't.  He just kept doing it.  And when he was done, he passed out on top of me and declared his love for me.

"I love you, baby!"  That's his exact words.

I pushed him off of me and got dressed.  Blood running down my legs and all.  I had to get out of there.  I drove home crying, barely even seeing the road.  I made it home and called my sister.  I told her about what happened.  And I left it at that.  I know, I should have reported him, but I figured the police would have twisted the story to say it was my fault for going back with him for casual sex to begin with.  So I never reported the rape.

I never told anyone, but my sister and my soul sister, Chandra.  Now I'm telling the world, so to speak.

I wrote a poem about it, borrowing Emilie Autumn's song title, 'God Help Me'.  Because at that time it was happening, that's what I was thinking.

So if you or someone you know has been raped, please report it.  Tori Amos co-founded the hotline, RAINN, the rape, abuse, incest, national network and you should call it.  1-800-656-HOPE
And those volunteers will talk to you about what's going on in your life and why you're calling.  They're excellent people and most of them are victims themselves.  Don't let those creeps get away with what they did or are doing to you.

I've seen my rapist twice this month and done nothing buy glare at him.  He probably doesn't even remember me.  He was that wasted that night.  But I remember him and the tattoos on his face.  And I know his name, as well.  It's too late for me to do anything, but I can't stress it enough that if you or someone you know who has been raped should take action.

Here's the poem I wrote about that night.

God Help Me!

God help me,
I can’t believe
He’s touching me.
He says, “I love you.”
But I just met him
A few hours ago.
His hands are hot and rough.
He makes me bleed.
I cry out for help,
But he smothers my face
With his mouth.
I try to push him away,
But his weight pins me
To the bed.
How’d I get here?
His hands pry my legs open.
God help me!
He’s entering me,
Slamming into me,
Ripping me apart.
It hurts like hell.
I cry and try to push
Him off of me again.
No one can help me.
I can feel his evil seed
Explode inside me.
I gasp at the pain.
There’s blood all over
The sheets.
He passes out from having
Too much to drink.
But before he sleeps,
He declares his love
For me once more.
I push his heavy body
Off mine and try to
Find my clothes
That he tore off of me.
I know his name.
But I don’t tell anyone.
I’m ashamed.
I’m afraid.
God help me…I need the strength
To carry on.  To be brave.
I want to die.
But instead, I sleep
When I get to my home.
I’ve let another man
Rape me again.

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012   

The Ghosts of Time

As I sleep,

I hear the sounds of

The past around me.

The ghosts of time

Come in and out of my head.

Telling me secrets about

Themselves and ones

I’ve kept from the world.

I walk through the cemetery

Where they are buried,

And tell them I miss them very much.

They don’t speak to me until I sleep

All snuggled under my covers with

My kitties lying beside me.

And that’s when they show

Themselves to me and tell

Me the things I didn’t know

And the things I did know about them.

They tell me they miss me too.

And I promise to keep them in mind

All the time.

They keep watch over me now and

I promise to do my best to make

Them proud.

Then I wake up for another day,

Never remembering what I said

To the ghosts, but I remember

Seeing them and I keep them

Close to my heart.

Copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012  

The Unbirthday

Kiss me slowly.
And as your lips touch mine,
the world around me changes.
I am no longer standing in
my bedroom.
I am standing in a forest of old.
I grab a hold of you in fear,
but you're not there.
I'm here alone.
I slowly walk the path
ahead of me.
The flowers here are larger than me.
And the trees are the odd colors
of purple and magenta.
The grass is green,
and I notice the creatures
around me.
A man in a top hat comes
towards me.
He is older than me.
"We've been expecting you, Karen."
"You have?" I ask.
He nods and grabs my hand.
"This way to the party!"
We run down the path and
I hear music all around me.
I see further ahead decorations
and tables and chairs.
This must be the party!
"She's here!"
The others exclaim!
The man in the top hat directs
me to a chair at the head of
the table and seats himself beside me.
I turn to the man in the top hat
and whisper what is the occasion?
"Why it's your Unbirthday, silly girl." he answers me.
"Happy Unbirthday to you, Karen!'  The others cry out!
I clap and a cake is brought forth my way.
I cut it and give everyone a piece.
This was a nice Unbirthday.
Suddenly, I hear a horrible shout!
"Off with her head!"
I look up the table and see a Queen garbed in red
waving her wand and shouting at me.
I grab for my neck and stand and run.
How do I get out of here?
I hear many footsteps stomping
behind me, gaining fast.
"Off with her head!  Off with her head!"
The Red Queen shouts!
I see a door.
That must be the way out!
I run to it.
I try the handle.
It's locked.
I begin pounding on it!
"Let me in, let me in!"
I'm trapped.
I don't know what to do.
I bend down and look through the key hole.
There I am sleeping in my bed with my kitties.
"Wake up, Karen!  Wake up!"
"Off with her head!  Off with her head!"
"Please, Karen, wake up!"
"Off...with...her...head!"
I wake!
Eyes wide open.
I can still hear the Queen.
I turn the bedside lamp on.
I will continue my sleeping
with the light on.

 copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012

Dark Room

What a dark room.
Solitude reaches in for my soul.
I gaze out into nothingness trying
to find my way through all this hell.
This disease that keeps me from breathing.
It clutches my sides and strangles me
causing so much pain and misery.
Loneliness traps me and I'm all alone
fighting this battle.

This was written after I was diagnosed with Polycystic Kidney Disease.

copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2011

Here I am again...

So Nikki, the one I wrote the poem for, warned me about this guy that posted a comment on her poem.  I guess he follows her on Twitter and thinks they're best friends, which they're not.  This just goes to show you that there are people out there who mean ill intentions when they befriend you on Facebook and Twitter.  I've been lucky so far.  I guess people know not to fuck with me since I talk about it all the time.

My dad has been sick for the past couple of days with the flu.  We're suppose to go out for Easter dinner and he's already talking about not going.  That sucks, because I always look forward to going out with my family for Easter.  At this time, we still don't know where we are going.  Mom wants to go to Altoona to either the Outback for steak or the Cracker Barrel for a bigger selection of food.  I'm game for either or.

I have to go to the bank and get my rent money for Dad anyway so we have money to go out with.  God, I hope we can go out.  When Dad gets sick he makes a monumental case over it.  I guess I shouldn't complain, he is 80 years old.  But really, he's always been like that.  Typical man.  Oooo...I'm sick so therefore you must wait on me and we must cancel everything because I said so.

I got to talk to Chad longer a couple of days ago.  It's so nice to talk to him and not fight.  I don't know if it's because we're no longer together that we don't fight or if it's because we've grown up or if it's because I'm on a psych cocktail that allows me to handle him unlike I did back in the day.  I am happy for him and his new wife, Heather.  She's a real sweetheart and she doesn't mind his poor sense of humor.  I told him our child (kitty) Loki is doing well and is 15 now.  Chad said he was shocked that he was still alive.  I am too, since Loo likes to get sick with urinary infections.  I guess because I give all the kitties urinary tract cat food, we keep the health of the kitties good.  Although, Poo Poo, got sick around November with an infection that kept him on meds for a month.  Poor baby.  And as everyone should know by now, Poo Poo is my baby kitty and I love him the most.  I know I shouldn't have favorites amongst my babies, but I do.

Well, chillens, I'm done with this blog right now.  Only a couple more days of my sale of my book.  If you want a copy, I can purchase a copy for you and have it shipped to your house, all you need to do is give me the money or mail me a money order or check and we can get that book for you.  I did that for Brandi.  She gave me the money and I bought it for her and had it shipped to her house.  So you don't have to be intimidated my shopping online.  I have online security so I shop online all the time.  No biggie here.  Just contact me.  And even if the sale runs out, I can make special exceptions for you, because I'm cool like that.

Love to you all,

Karen Elizabeth

http://www.lulu.com/shop/karen-elizabeth-waters/a-completion-of-unfinished-thoughts/paperback/product-18894600.html

Blood Lust

Bound by blood that I lust for.
Bound by the night that I live in.
I walk the streets in the dark
looking for my next victim.
Keeping to the shadows.
I spot my next meal and
work my magic.
He's quite handsome,
maybe I'll make him my slave.
I take him into an ally and begin
the slow seduction.
He's trapped by my hypnotizing gaze.
I smile and kiss him on the lips.
I work slowly towards his neck.
I tell him telepathically that
everything is alright.
Then I bite and suck the
life right out of him.
Living his memories with
each swallow.
His soul begins to fade and I stop.
I carefully tell him that he never
met me and he's feeling fine.
He's just lightheaded from drinking
too much.
His blood swims through my body,
giving me life eternal.
I creep back into the shadows and
disappear into the night.
Until the next night, when I
have to repeat the whole ritual again.


 copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012