Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear old hag,
happy birthday to me! Let’s see now, that makes me what? 34 years
old. What was my mother thinking when she found out she was pregnant
with me and didn’t bother to abort me? I mean, really, here I am, 33,
oops, sorry, 34, never been married, hardly ever been any man’s
girlfriend, living in a one bedroom apartment with one male orange tabby
cat. I feel so....what’s the word....oh, yeah, privileged.
I plopped down onto my sofa and turned on the television. Today, of all days, just HAD to be Valentine’s Day. The TV was showing back to back love stories all day and night long. All happy ending movies. All fucking fake ass movies. I turned the TV off and grabbed my pack of cigarettes off the coffee table. Shit! Only four cigarettes left! I gotta quit smoking! Or yet, maybe I should smoke more, that way, I’ll get lung cancer and die and I won’t have to worry about ever having a long lasting relationship, because what man would want a woman with no hair, coughing and hacking up phlegm all the time?
Sitting across the room from me was my beloved cat, Willy. He was sitting on the window seal looking out at the city. Why couldn’t I be a cat? I’d be better off. Also, sitting across the room from me was a unopened bottle of Chardonnay. Dare I indulge myself and drink the whole bottle? Hell, why not! I’ll get drunk, pass out, and then hang my head over the toilet two hours later.
Just then the phone rang. It was Mother. She sang happily into the phone Happy Birthday before I even said hello.
“Oh, thanks, Mom!” I said sarcastically.
“And how are you today, sweetheart?”
Should I tell her the truth? “Oh, I’m just great! I’m waiting for my non-existent boyfriend to come over and take me out to dinner.”
“Now, Tressa, that’s not funny. Maybe if you weren’t so sarcastic all the time, you’d find yourself a nice young man.”
“Yeah, maybe. But I’m not.”
She sighed. “Why do you always have to be like that?”
“Mother, I don’t want to get into it. I’m going to drink myself into a stupor, watch Harold and Maude and eat junk food.”
“I just don’t understand you. You’re a bright, beautiful young woman. You shouldn’t be sitting home all alone on your birthday. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Happy Valentine’s Day.”
“Can it Mother! I’m not in the mood. Plus, I’m not all by myself, I’ve got Willy to keep me company. At least I know he loves me.”
That was the end of our conversation. I got up off the couch and went into the kitchen to find the bottle opener. Willy jumped down off the window seal and began walking around my legs rubbing his little head up against my calves. I bent down and picked him up.
“So, Mr. Willy Shakespeare, are you going to write me a sonnet for my birthday and a sonnet for Valentine’s Day?”
He looked up at me and meowed. What a sweetie. I scratched the top of his orange little head and then kissed him. He began purring and kissed my chin.
“I’m such a lucky woman to have such a loving man in my life.”
I put him down back on the floor and went over to the cupboards to find my bottle opener. Once I found it, I opened the bottle and poured myself a glass and gulped it down. Ahhh, how refreshing! What a way to celebrate both my birthday and the day for lovers.
The phone rang again. Mother, don’t you understand when I want to be left alone, for God’s sake!?
“Hello?”
“Happy Birthday, Tress!” Yelled my best friend, David.
“Thanks, David!”
“Got any plans this evening?”
“No, not really. I was planning on getting drunk by myself and watch silly ass love stories, why?”
“Well, Kelly and I thought we would take you out to dinner for your birthday. Feel up to it?”
“Sure, why the hell not? What time?”
“We’ll come and pick you up around seven.”
“Okay. I shall be ready and waiting.”
“See ya then, birthday girl!”
I hung up the phone and went back to the sofa with my bottle of wine and empty glass. So much for getting drunk alone. At least I can get drunk with my friends. With that, I poured myself another glass of wine.
At seven, Kelly, David and I took off for our favorite restaurant. The place was packed with young and old couples in love. I smirked and pouted as we went inside and the host showed us to our usual table.
“Order whatever you want, Tress. It’s on us!” Kelly said.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted other than a bottle of vodka. David suggested the eggplant parmesan, knowing it was one of my favorite dishes. Once we placed our orders and got our drinks, I began to relax a little and started to enjoy myself. Both Kelly and David were also single, so we sat there and made fun of all the lovebirds sitting around us. One particular couple looked like they weren’t even old enough to drink. Or rather, she didn’t look old enough to drink, let alone drive legally. The guy she was with had to be in his mid to late twenties. They sat there, playing footsies and giggling about something we couldn’t hear.
Kelly all of a sudden decided to imitate them. David played the role of the guy and was reciting poetry to her as he stared deeply into her eyes. I couldn’t help but laugh at the two of them. That’s when I decided that we should pretend to be a threesome and I started flirting with both Kelly and David. Some of the customers stared at us like we were a bunch of freaks.
“Oh my darling sex kittens,” David said. “I can’t wait until we get back to our place and play naked Twister.”
I had a mouth full of wine and nearly choked on it while laughing hysterically. Once again, we got evil looks from all the customers sitting near our table.
Several hours later, three bottles of wine later, we went back to my apartment to continue my little birthday party. I guess life isn’t all that bad when you have close friends who share the same feelings as you do. So much for a shitty birthday. I had a wonderful time, even though I did end up in the bathroom with my head hanging over the toilet.
Isn’t life grand?
I plopped down onto my sofa and turned on the television. Today, of all days, just HAD to be Valentine’s Day. The TV was showing back to back love stories all day and night long. All happy ending movies. All fucking fake ass movies. I turned the TV off and grabbed my pack of cigarettes off the coffee table. Shit! Only four cigarettes left! I gotta quit smoking! Or yet, maybe I should smoke more, that way, I’ll get lung cancer and die and I won’t have to worry about ever having a long lasting relationship, because what man would want a woman with no hair, coughing and hacking up phlegm all the time?
Sitting across the room from me was my beloved cat, Willy. He was sitting on the window seal looking out at the city. Why couldn’t I be a cat? I’d be better off. Also, sitting across the room from me was a unopened bottle of Chardonnay. Dare I indulge myself and drink the whole bottle? Hell, why not! I’ll get drunk, pass out, and then hang my head over the toilet two hours later.
Just then the phone rang. It was Mother. She sang happily into the phone Happy Birthday before I even said hello.
“Oh, thanks, Mom!” I said sarcastically.
“And how are you today, sweetheart?”
Should I tell her the truth? “Oh, I’m just great! I’m waiting for my non-existent boyfriend to come over and take me out to dinner.”
“Now, Tressa, that’s not funny. Maybe if you weren’t so sarcastic all the time, you’d find yourself a nice young man.”
“Yeah, maybe. But I’m not.”
She sighed. “Why do you always have to be like that?”
“Mother, I don’t want to get into it. I’m going to drink myself into a stupor, watch Harold and Maude and eat junk food.”
“I just don’t understand you. You’re a bright, beautiful young woman. You shouldn’t be sitting home all alone on your birthday. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Happy Valentine’s Day.”
“Can it Mother! I’m not in the mood. Plus, I’m not all by myself, I’ve got Willy to keep me company. At least I know he loves me.”
That was the end of our conversation. I got up off the couch and went into the kitchen to find the bottle opener. Willy jumped down off the window seal and began walking around my legs rubbing his little head up against my calves. I bent down and picked him up.
“So, Mr. Willy Shakespeare, are you going to write me a sonnet for my birthday and a sonnet for Valentine’s Day?”
He looked up at me and meowed. What a sweetie. I scratched the top of his orange little head and then kissed him. He began purring and kissed my chin.
“I’m such a lucky woman to have such a loving man in my life.”
I put him down back on the floor and went over to the cupboards to find my bottle opener. Once I found it, I opened the bottle and poured myself a glass and gulped it down. Ahhh, how refreshing! What a way to celebrate both my birthday and the day for lovers.
The phone rang again. Mother, don’t you understand when I want to be left alone, for God’s sake!?
“Hello?”
“Happy Birthday, Tress!” Yelled my best friend, David.
“Thanks, David!”
“Got any plans this evening?”
“No, not really. I was planning on getting drunk by myself and watch silly ass love stories, why?”
“Well, Kelly and I thought we would take you out to dinner for your birthday. Feel up to it?”
“Sure, why the hell not? What time?”
“We’ll come and pick you up around seven.”
“Okay. I shall be ready and waiting.”
“See ya then, birthday girl!”
I hung up the phone and went back to the sofa with my bottle of wine and empty glass. So much for getting drunk alone. At least I can get drunk with my friends. With that, I poured myself another glass of wine.
At seven, Kelly, David and I took off for our favorite restaurant. The place was packed with young and old couples in love. I smirked and pouted as we went inside and the host showed us to our usual table.
“Order whatever you want, Tress. It’s on us!” Kelly said.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted other than a bottle of vodka. David suggested the eggplant parmesan, knowing it was one of my favorite dishes. Once we placed our orders and got our drinks, I began to relax a little and started to enjoy myself. Both Kelly and David were also single, so we sat there and made fun of all the lovebirds sitting around us. One particular couple looked like they weren’t even old enough to drink. Or rather, she didn’t look old enough to drink, let alone drive legally. The guy she was with had to be in his mid to late twenties. They sat there, playing footsies and giggling about something we couldn’t hear.
Kelly all of a sudden decided to imitate them. David played the role of the guy and was reciting poetry to her as he stared deeply into her eyes. I couldn’t help but laugh at the two of them. That’s when I decided that we should pretend to be a threesome and I started flirting with both Kelly and David. Some of the customers stared at us like we were a bunch of freaks.
“Oh my darling sex kittens,” David said. “I can’t wait until we get back to our place and play naked Twister.”
I had a mouth full of wine and nearly choked on it while laughing hysterically. Once again, we got evil looks from all the customers sitting near our table.
Several hours later, three bottles of wine later, we went back to my apartment to continue my little birthday party. I guess life isn’t all that bad when you have close friends who share the same feelings as you do. So much for a shitty birthday. I had a wonderful time, even though I did end up in the bathroom with my head hanging over the toilet.
Isn’t life grand?
Author notes
This is my version of a thirty-something way of looking
at life. You know you're still considered young, but at the same time,
you know your forties are creeping up on you. This is for the song,
"New Age". The first song off of "StrangeLittleGirls".
copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012
copyright © Karen Elizabeth Waters 2012
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